28 June 2011

Hope.

dedicated to my dear friend J.S.

I am tired.

In the last six years, I graduated college, returned for a teaching certificate, endured my first year of teaching (complicated by no student teaching, an absent administration, and two students trying to get me fired), bought a house, married, fought my way out of sexual dysfunction with the help of myriad professionals, transferred jobs, miscarried more than once, moved away from my hometown, dealt with depression, dealt with serious relationship difficulties, and graduated with a master’s degree that felt like a mini-doctorate. In the space of ten days at the end of May this year, I moved back to my hometown, crashed my car, and landed in the hospital.

It’s been a long six years.

Do I bring this up to drum up sympathy? No. I bring it up because in the midst of all of this, I am constantly reminded of my Jesus. The fact is that everyone goes through this. Everyone experiences sorrow, loss, conflict, and pain. But regardless of who appears and disappears from my life, who strengthens me and who ignores me, Jesus is my hope. Because I know how fervently and unconditionally He loves me, I am able to revel in the cool water of His peace. As my friend J.S. reminded me today, He promises joy on the other side of the pain, joys upon joys. And He has already given me the joys of a loving, supportive family; the most loyal, dependable friends on the planet; and a job that utilizes my interests and allows me to work alongside amazing coworkers. These are not coincidences: they are gifts from a loving Parent who has my best interests at heart. Whatever I deal with, He is my strength and my song (Exodus 15:2). Whenever darkness threatens me, He roars, “This far you may come and no farther” (Job 38:11). He prays for me (Isaiah 62:1), delights in me (Isaiah 62:4), and rejoices over me (Isaiah 62:5). That is the God I love.

And sometimes my Lord speaks in an unexpected voice. Like a spider’s. I watched Charlotte’s Web last night because that’s what I do when I’m feeling down. (Or when I'm really down, I read it.) Early on, Wilbur’s destiny is uncertain: as a spring pig, he is likely to be cured ham by Christmas. One of the animals references this fact, which nearly gives Wilbur a heart attack. “Charlotte, should I be worried?” he asks his best friend. She chuckles a bit. “Of course not. What good would that do?” Tears sprang to my eyes as I looked upward. God might as well have been in my room, winking at me, smiling, and saying, “That goes for you too, my love.” And if you ask my heart, he was.

2 comments:

  1. Praise God you are staying focused on HIM!!! Stay in HIS Word and music. HE will help heal you and can use all this for you to minister to others. I am so, so very sorry that you have had to encounter these many difficult experiences but am thankful you have not given up. Just rest in HIM for a while while you regain strength.

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  2. I'll keep praying for you. ;)

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